#i'm paranoid about checking social media at work

[arendaes]

Also just fyi starting tomorrow I'll be working in the office for the next two weeks (after almost six months working from home) so I won't be checking in here nearly as often so I might be slow to respond to things!

[marshmallowprotection]

What if Seven couldn’t find any information on MC when he was doing a background check on them?

Saeyoung would be in a very peculiar predicament.

That is to say, if you are in Rika's former apartment, you need to have information about you listed somewhere. If you don't, that's going to lead to speculation and a long game of twenty questions. It's a wonder that we're able to get by his radar in Another Story, and genuinely, it's only thanks to Jihyun Kim that we can scrape by without having any information about us found by Saeyoung, or even Jumin's team.

If you're in the apartment, though, there's no reason for you to not have information about you online... and even if you're a person who isn't big on social media, there's enough digital evidence on most of the people in this world to find SOMETHING about you. Saeyoung's the one who takes it further and tries to find anything he can get his hands on, so I've no doubt he's seen your license if you have one or your birth certificate if he could get his hands on that, too.

If there's no way to vet your identity, I'm not sure how much Jihyun can do for you in Casual or Deep Route. Yeah, his word is helpful in universe because everyone trusts him, but it's hard to have faith in him when he shouldn't know who you are at all and... you see how this isn't helpful, right?

Saeyoung's identity is hidden, too.

So, why is yours?

What did you do? Who are you? Where are you going? What are you running from? How can he know you don't work for his Dad? That's the first thought he's going to have and oh boy, I don't like the idea. That man is made of paranoid energy and any risk of having his Dad get close to him sets off every alarm bell in his head. I fear that there is a chance he'd flee from the RFA if MC didn't have information on them where he could find it.

Or, worse, he'd want to interrogate the hell out of MC because if you work for his Dad, and he can't get V to vet that Saeran is safe, that's not going to end well.

[themysticsword]

haven't used this in a while, huh.

long story short, i kinda stopped using tumblr after that whole shitshow caused by matt earlier this year, and have only recently started opening it again. but yeah, when mr tumblr did the thing, i migrated to cohost, which you can follow here: https://cohost.org/TheMysticSword

i have also made myself a website! here it is! https://themysticsword.neocities.org/ you can check out what i consider my best works on there, as well as find more links to my social media, contacts, donations and whatnot (and, if you wanna make a website of your own, but think it'd be expensive or something, please PLEASE check out neocities. it's free. literally. not even a single ad. and you write your own html & css. i was as shocked as you probably are when i learned about it.)

i have also opened a d*scord server, finally? i'm gonna be honest, i fucking hate the trend of closed community servers being made on discord EVEN FOR GAMES AND MODS (no i will not join your server just to get help with a bug, make a joddamn forum or at least a contact form!), as well as where the app itself has been heading lately with the needless """features""" and idiotic changes. but there are people who have discord open 24/7 and like receiving notifications on there, sooooo i guess i'll make use of a server of my own for some time. we'll see. if you want in... go to the bottom of my website and click the link to join it! i am not gonna put the link in here because i'm afraid of potential spam bots that may scrape discord.gg links on tumblr posts or something! maybe i'm needlessly paranoid! as a heads-up, the server is 18+, though not nsfw, just as a safety measure against dumb arguments with people who often don't know what they're talking about. i have experienced that way too many times.

anyway. sorry for just. silently disappearing lol. no promises that it won't also happen multiple times in the future!

[literaticat]

Is it normal that my agent doesn't share editors' names with me? When we went out on sub, she only gave me the list of imprints. She said it was the agency's policy not to share editor names with clients to prevent social media stalking, but none of my writer friends' agencies do this, and I'm annoyed by the implication that I could be out there stalking editors. And when she shares passes with me, she also removes the names of the editors and imprints. I don't know how to feel about all this.

Personally, I share the editor names and imprints with clients; while that's not how I work or how I think the other agents at ABLA work - it also isn't totally unheard of or anything. I'm sure it's not that your agent thinks YOU would "stalk" an editor -- unfortunately I have heard stories about authors doing some pretty cringe stuff, though, and probably an agent at this agency had a bad experience and they just made that a policy.

Yikes kind of things I am 100% sure have happened: Editor passes on the book -- Agent shares the pass with the author, including editor name and imprint -- Author does an end run around the agent and WRITES TO THE EDITOR DIRECTLY to bitch them out or beg them to reconsider. (omg).

Or, Agent gives submission list - Author goes on social media and follows all the editors - Author starts to become paranoid and read every editor update through the lens of "they are talking about me" (even if they absolutely are not) - Author starts subtweeting the editors, or DMs the editors to ASK if they've read their book yet (omg).

You get the idea. So while I am certain YOU would never do anything like that at all -- I'm sure the people who DID do things like that also didn't seem like they would do something like that soooo.... maybe the agent is once burned twice shy, you know?

If this makes you nervy / annoyed / uncomfy / whatever - maybe it is worth talking about with your agent. But also, think about what PART makes you feel nervy.

IF you are feeling some type of way about it just because other agents work differently and you are comparing yourself to your friends (but otherwise you are happy with your agent, they do a good job, you know editors are seeing your work, they are selling books, etc etc) - well, maybe don't compare yourself to your friends. (But you could SAY, hey, I totally get why you are leery about giving out a ton of editor info, I can see where authors may have overstepped in the past, but also, I feel weird not knowing who has my work and who has passed on it - can we revisit this in some way?)

If you are feeling weird because you actually don't trust your agent is doing what they are supposed to do, you want to check up on them because you really think there is something fishy going on ... that's a different conversation.

[tigre-edi-rawr]

guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor.

For the most dramatic effect, I'll drop the song I mostly relate to during these times.

June 30, 2024.

As I have shared, I felt it, there's another girl. I was not able to confirm it but I'm certain as hell I'm right. I remember still being dumb, not knowing what he's doing during that exact time I was suffering alone. Until you came clean, you said you're talking to someone. Talking. You specifically confessed you've been with no one, just talked to someone because she is also a friend of your bestfriend and that you just talked about the late father of your bestfriend. "Friend" I ain't that stupid. I stopped nagging you and blocked you in all my social medias, I just want to hurt and forget about you. I didn't say anything hurtful, I'm too tired to even do that. I remember getting drunk, too drunk that I used marijuana that night. I was ready to enjoy my life, throw it, who cares? I just want to numb everything. I did everything to make that night pass like I was desperate as hell.

July 1, 2024.

You sent me messages again. You wanted to fix us, you can't lose me, I'm the only one you love, all those bullshits I'm too stupid to believe. Knowing all the things we've shared and you've shared meant nothing but lies all this time makes me want to vomit. You went to our home, but I no longer have the energy to face you and listen to all your twisted games. But who am I? I am too soft when it comes to you, when I heard you're suffering, I want to be there to stop all the pain you're feeling. I am that fool, your willing accomplice. After work, I went to your home. I'm determine to hear your side, I was going to accept all your shortcomings and bullshits. I still feel like I can't lose you, I can still endure it. I asked you multiple times, I even said "Sabihin mo lang sakin lahat, papakinggan ko, tatanggapin ko lahat, yayakapin kita ulit ng buong-buo." But still, you chose to deceive me. I know you're not telling the whole truth. Turning a blind eye is better than losing you.

July 2, 2024.

I remember I was at BGC that day, I can't even work literally, like literally. It's like my brain is all fogged up, it's not functioning. I tried my best to be my old self. You did the same. We were okay, but deep inside I am not. I craved the truth more than you. I realized who I am, what I deserve and if it means losing you for good is the only choice to keep myself sane... it's something that I must do, I owe it to myself. I was trying so hard to convince myself that what you have said is the whole truth, but my whole body knew it wasn't. I had to find the truth for my sanity and peace.

July 3, 2024.

I was fucking tired from all the travel, but I remember it's past 2 a.m. when I arrived home. I have never been this low, but I considered asking that girl for help. I did. I cried for help, I asked for the truth so that I know what to do and know if I'm still with the right person and situation. I basically wanted to know the truth to stop myself for being this stupid. I waited for hours, until my body automatically gave up and I fell asleep around 5 a.m. I woke up around 7 a.m. and the first thing I checked was if she replied. SHE DID.

The uncovering of your lies.

I discovered from that girl, when my ex sent me home, when I was all alone, crying and acting crazy in my bedroom where I was asking him for the truth and getting all the stupid excuses and gaslighting, he was with that girl all night. May nakausap ka pero wala kang nakasama? Fuck you and your twisted mind. You're disgusting. Gusto mong damayan tropa mong namatay ang tatay? Gusto mo ng time sa sarili? Ayaw mo akong isama kasi puro lalaki ang tao sa lamay? Pero susundo ka ng ibang babae habang nababaliw ako mag-isa? Hahayaan mo akong halos mabaliw kakaisip habang pinapaniwala mo ako na paranoid lang ako at hindi ako marunong umintindi ng sitwasyon? YOU'RE DISGUTING. I don't get it. Why did you fix us? If you're too hurt and you can't forgive me because "sobrang sama ng ugali ko", WHY FIX US? It's a lot easier to push me away and reject me instead of this betrayal. Imagine, being with me all night, hugging me, saying that you love me and miss me, then having sex with me the next morning. But that same night, you're with that girl? You did all these shits? You didn't even broke us until the end. You were firm that you didn't cheated and you guys were only talking. You even used the same picture to update me and her, said you will talk to me later kasi 9% nalang phone mo yun pala yun na yung time na sinusundo mo na yung babae mo? Funny how until the end, there were no remorse at all to everything you've done. Not even a sorry. Not even the acknowledgement of all your twisted and disgusting lies. Not even an explanation on how and why you did all of it. Nothing from you but all the fucking blame that I was the problem.

[practicalsolutions]

Don't these fuckers do social media background checks? Don't they know I'm the paranoid 'AI is going to ruin mankind' guy? At the very least, I have a very obvious hatred of IoT (if you have followed me for any length of time, you've probably heard me yell about this). Why would they ask me to work on this if, ultimately, it's primary use will be making more of that crap? Don't they know I hate tech used for those purposes? Holy shit. I'm either lucky or cursed with this opportunity.

[notebookishbalderdash]

Following on from the bullet journaling gentrification post & your own thoughts on the topic: as somebody who posts their BuJo online, how do you deal with the pressure of creating ��aesthetic” pages? Do you have to remind yourself to treat your BuJo as a tool? If so, how do you do it?

(Asking as somebody who managed to get back into bullet journaling thanks to a 5-year-long break from social media, but is now itching to start posting journaling content again)

(Scared I’ll fall back into crippling perfectionism)

thanks for the question! my answer may be a little disappointing. the answer is, i very, very rarely post my bullet journal online. you can see just how much i reblog other people's journals versus my own by scanning the tags. this is partly because i extremely value privacy and am too paranoid to post a final page (even though i think that is the prettiest stage) and because i don't find my pages all that interesting before that point. i tried posting clean (without a schedule/personal information) spreads on instagram a while ago, but i fell into the same frustration of feeling like i was posting the same thing over and over while also too uncomfortable to post something beyond that.

in a lot of ways, recognizing other people's journaling styles as theirs and not true to my vision of a bullet journal helped - but the main way i keep the pressure off is to think of it as an extended to-do list/diary combo and not dress it up as a grander concept. the way i have made my bujo my own is to allow myself to mess up, frankly. i write in pen, and while i hate having to scribble out misspellings, i've come to terms with it as a living document. part of my struggle with extremely aestheticized pages is that it feels like making gorgeous dollhouses that no one can live in - i feel like nothing i write will live up to the frame. distilling my practice down to really simple things i like (color combinations, neat pens, lots of check boxes) helped me focus on it as a tool for my own work as well as a place i can record my life without writing long, prose entries about my day (a journaling practice i never stuck with for long).

i still struggle with the aesthetic value, especially when colleagues comment, 'omg your handwriting is so nice!' or "i could never make something that pretty!' but ultimately, as long as i can read my handwriting and feel organized, i'm alright. my main advice is to start small and see where you grow. having an audience is less fulfilling than making yourself excited to return to the practice.

tl;dr: try to find what excites you about bullet journaling and what draws you to the practice functionally. thinking of the book as something that lives and breathes through your life changes (like you do!) helps, but if you need to keep all or some of it private to learn what works for you, then do so! no one else is using your journal, after all.

[sweetswesf]

Check In

What I Did Today

checked in with an ex-colleague

Exercised

cleaned

finally finished all the AlgoExpert Data Structures Crash Course videos

finished registration to collect Unemployment; seems like I'll get about 25% of what I used to get paid...eligible to receive it for 6 months...I'm grateful

Day 2 of 100 Days of Python

What I Learned Today

booleans can be added together in Python!? Cray...

Feeling

Felt good earlier, then tired, then heartbroken, then accomplished, then excited

Takeaways

It’s going to be an everyday battle of pulling myself up to the table and getting it done, and it will get easier over time, but I just have to do it

How I Got Myself Out of a Rut Today

I was so tired, but my 1st’s story of his sister passing mysteriously and suddenly made me paranoid…I shuddered at the thought of not being able to accomplish my goals in life, laid down for a bit, read some scripture, listened to Tim Tebow break down a few verses, prayed, then got back up, and banged it out…Thank you God.

ERRRKUHH FREAQIN' BADUUUUU! Danced my heart out...and cried a lot...especially to Bag Lady..."LET IT GO, LET IT GO, LET IT GO, LET IT GO...I betcha' love can make it better...pack LIIIIGHHTT!"

Goals Completed

Found a therapist

Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...

Got back on the ball

Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Goals After Today

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3

Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels

Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube

Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them

Be more confident & faithful

250 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently

Drink more than 64oz a day consistently

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

Learn more about my gym crush & get him to ask for my number

Get a house similar to that one in Spain

Update my personal app

[alegocarmadein]

Long read ahead I do warn.

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Somber. Morose. Melancholy. Those three are my holy grail of insane meanings.

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Yeah my own work, the Shaman was too late. So, I wrote it in 2021. Very beginning of 2021. I had just been put on bupropian, after years of trying anti-depressants, it finally worked. Slowly. But I still had psychosis, so I'm getting less depressed but I'm still psychotic. And literally the last day of 2020 into the early hours of Jan 1st 2021, I listened to (and binged) Kane and Feels. Obsessed. FUCKING OBSESSED. IMMEDIATELY. But I was off of social media in its entirety, so I had one (1) person to scream at and she was busy in school and shit. So I turn my mind to fanfiction. Psychosis is a BITCH. It robbed me of my memory during and after, it made me paranoid, and a horrible insomniac. So I sit in my room and formulate this plot in the early hours of morning, just muttering to myself. This weird story that would not ever truly make sense but vaguely had a plot and a destination. And I wrote it! And because my memory was so terribly dogshit, every night and every morning, in between edits and writing fits, I would read it. Uh. Out loud. It took hours to read, partially because of how long it was, partially because my reading skills were close to non existent. For a while I considered making a podfic of it to go along with it, but I didn't have recording equipment or money! I was really isolated and spent well over a hundred, maybe two hundred hours on a 13k fic. My writing skills at the time were…diminished, and far from polished, so it took a lot of edits to make it readable. But it was my baby. It was the first fic I'd truly fallen in love with of my own. And eventually I posted it and didn't hate it like all of my others. I would reread it every month, sometimes every week after, checking for errors (of which there were many). Again, my baby. And still, I consider it one of my best fics, this fic I wrote in between 16 hour sleeps, interrupted often by hallucinations and paranoia attacks. And its just terribly special to me, because I know it so very well. I spent two months writing it, and I love that fic, truly. 

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

Okay its not really a subject matter, but fluff? So hard. Don't get me wrong, I can come up with it and put it on paper….but keeping it around is sooooo very hard. I am very much a kill-the-part-of-you-that-cringes, but with kaf especially….eeek. Like the first bit of physical affection I think we've ever been aware of them doing is in the end of WHY, right? So writing close affection is like….babe no, this is Kane we're talking about. but….I think I've had enough independent events/developments (character wise) through my string of fics that I can stretch the lines a bit and put in a little affection here and there. Not super shippy either, just…"holy fuck I'm so glad you're alive that really sucked man." oh and verbal affection is a BITCH. Dude NO. I can't. it never sounds reasonable. I can't do fluffy I CAN'T DO FLUFFY. I'M A MAN OF ANGST DEAR READER. ANGST. Anyway, I wrote a fic about them waltzing. You should read it. And I'm also really proud of the next of kin scene in Next of Kin.

And memory related magic trauma whatzits are my favorite thing to write. I have it so many fics of mine. Psychosis <3 you are so fun to write about, my beloathed.

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.

This is from The Shaman was too late, near the very end.

"Lucifer Kane is standing on a cliff, overseeing a hazy ocean with a soft lavender-grey sky. Distant golden-grey light shines through the clouds, and the smell of salt and a gust of a warm, ocean breeze puts him at ease."

First off, full name, this is serious talk. Usually I call him Kane, Lucifer when I'm trying to make a point, full name is for introductions and endings. The present tense is something I very rarely do, I generally get tripped up with present tense. The only other time recently I've used it is in Next of Kin at the very end of chapter 4-7, where Kane notices Brutus and is back in the present moment. Weird choice. And I don't really know why I had such a clear image of the hazy ocean with the golden light, streaming down, crepuscular rays (god's rays) streaming from the cloud, but still hazy. The lavender grey was such a spur of the moment thing while I was writing it, it's the color theme for the fic, the other worlds are lavender grey all over. I knew I wanted an emotional yet…like…quiet moment for them being reunited? Keep in mind at that point only season one and WHO, the first ep of season two had been put out, so no hand squeezes, no ocean, not yet, no reuniting, and I didn't know if kaf would ever be coming back. Sigh. Rough times. Well the scene at least hit dyn hard enough for them to make some really baller art of that scene, so I'm happy.

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

so…..so much. Most of the time at least. Big fics are almost guaranteed to have a separate notes document with a general outline, to keep my ideas on track. You usually find them in the final end note on the fic, though occasionally they're too messy to really share. This is actually what has tripped me up so bad with the sequel to Next of Kin that I've been working on FOR A FUCKING YEAR NOW, JESUS, is that I wrote an outline for an ending, went a completely different direction, wrote a new outline, then changed it again and now I'm super duper stuck and have no clue how to get to the end. :\ 

It's a document with bullet points or checkboxes with short plot points and weird details/characters/places I want to add. I ignore them at my will. I actually do enjoy it…for any other fic than the elphame fic. jesus.

37. If you were to be remembered only by the words you’ve put on the page, what would future historians think of you?

a fucken weirdo. Not like. WEIRD weirdo, just a weirdo. like, that artist who did the beautiful, colorful cat potraits that look very interesting? the one who had schizophrenia so now everyone attributes the weirder ones to his mental illness instead of to his creative ability? louis wain? I feel like they'd attribute all the weirder stuff I write to mental illness, when instead that was hand crafted and delivered by my loving, not-really-stable-i-kinda-have-a-tremor-but-lets-pretend hands.

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/12/Louis_wain_cats.png)

(my ao3) https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlegoCarmadein/profile

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

(Not my poem (rest of the post is a poem))

Ode to Silence by Edna St. Vincent Millay

---

Aye, but she?

Your other sister and my other soul

Grave Silence, lovelier

Than the three loveliest maidens, what of her?

Clio, not you,

Not you, Calliope,

Nor all your wanton line,

Not Beauty's perfect self shall comfort me

For Silence once departed,

For her the cool-tongued, her the tranquil-hearted,

Whom evermore I follow wistfully,

Wandering Heaven and Earth and Hell and the four seasons through;

Thalia, not you,

Not you, Melpomene,

Not your incomparable feet, O thin Terpsichore, I seek in this great hall,

But one more pale, more pensive, most beloved of you all.

I seek her from afar,

I come from temples where her altars are,

From groves that bear her name,

Noisy with stricken victims now and sacrificial flame,

And cymbals struck on high and strident faces

Obstreperous in her praise

They neither love nor know,

A goddess of gone days,

Departed long ago,

Abandoning the invaded shrines and fanes

Of her old sanctuary,

A deity obscure and legendary,

Of whom there now remains,

For sages to decipher and priests to garble,

Only and for a little while her letters wedged in marble,

Which even now, behold, the friendly mumbling rain erases,

And the inarticulate snow,

Leaving at last of her least signs and traces

None whatsoever, nor whither she is vanished from these places.

"She will love well," I said,

"If love be of that heart inhabiter,

The flowers of the dead;

The red anemone that with no sound

Moves in the wind, and from another wound

That sprang, the heavily-sweet blue hyacinth,

That blossoms underground,

And sallow poppies, will be dear to her.

And will not Silence know

In the black shade of what obsidian steep

Stiffens the white narcissus numb with sleep?

(Seed which Demeter's daughter bore from home,

Uptorn by desperate fingers long ago,

Reluctant even as she,

Undone Persephone,

And even as she set out again to grow

In twilight, in perdition's lean and inauspicious loam).

She will love well," I said,

"The flowers of the dead;

Where dark Persephone the winter round,

Uncomforted for home, uncomforted,

Lacking a sunny southern slope in northern Sicily,

With sullen pupils focussed on a dream,

Stares on the stagnant stream

That moats the unequivocable battlements of Hell,

There, there will she be found,

She that is Beauty veiled from men and Music in a swound."

"I long for Silence as they long for breath

Whose helpless nostrils drink the bitter sea;

What thing can be

So stout, what so redoubtable, in Death

What fury, what considerable rage, if only she,

Upon whose icy breast,

Unquestioned, uncaressed,

One time I lay,

And whom always I lack,

Even to this day,

Being by no means from that frigid bosom weaned away,

If only she therewith be given me back?"

I sought her down that dolorous labyrinth,

Wherein no shaft of sunlight ever fell,

And in among the bloodless everywhere

I sought her, but the air,

Breathed many times and spent,

Was fretful with a whispering discontent,

And questioning me, importuning me to tell

Some slightest tidings of the light of day they know no more,

Plucking my sleeve, the eager shades were with me where I went.

I paused at every grievous door,

And harked a moment, holding up my hand,—and for a space

A hush was on them, while they watched my face;

And then they fell a-whispering as before;

So that I smiled at them and left them, seeing she was not there.

I sought her, too,

Among the upper gods, although I knew

She was not like to be where feasting is,

Nor near to Heaven's lord,

Being a thing abhorred

And shunned of him, although a child of his,

(Not yours, not yours; to you she owes not breath,

Mother of Song, being sown of Zeus upon a dream of Death).

Fearing to pass unvisited some place

And later learn, too late, how all the while,

With her still face,

She had been standing there and seen me pass, without a smile,

I sought her even to the sagging board whereat

The stout immortals sat;

But such a laughter shook the mighty hall

No one could hear me say:

Had she been seen upon the Hill that day?

And no one knew at all

How long I stood, or when at last I sighed and went away.

There is a garden lying in a lull

Between the mountains and the mountainous sea,

I know not where, but which a dream diurnal

Paints on my lids a moment till the hull

Be lifted from the kernel

And Slumber fed to me.

Your foot-print is not there, Mnemosene,

Though it would seem a ruined place and after

Your lichenous heart, being full

Of broken columns, caryatides

Thrown to the earth and fallen forward on their jointless knees,

And urns funereal altered into dust

Minuter than the ashes of the dead,

And Psyche's lamp out of the earth up-thrust,

Dripping itself in marble wax on what was once the bed

Of Love, and his young body asleep, but now is dust instead.

There twists the bitter-sweet, the white wisteria Fastens its fingers in the strangling wall,

And the wide crannies quicken with bright weeds;

There dumbly like a worm all day the still white orchid feeds;

But never an echo of your daughters' laughter

Is there, nor any sign of you at all

Swells fungous from the rotten bough, grey mother of Pieria!

Only her shadow once upon a stone

I saw,—and, lo, the shadow and the garden, too, were gone.

I tell you you have done her body an ill,

You chatterers, you noisy crew!

She is not anywhere!

I sought her in deep Hell;

And through the world as well;

I thought of Heaven and I sought her there;

Above nor under ground

Is Silence to be found,

That was the very warp and woof of you,

Lovely before your songs began and after they were through!

Oh, say if on this hill

Somewhere your sister's body lies in death,

So I may follow there, and make a wreath

Of my locked hands, that on her quiet breast

Shall lie till age has withered them!

                             (Ah, sweetly from the rest

I see

Turn and consider me

Compassionate Euterpe!)

"There is a gate beyond the gate of Death,

Beyond the gate of everlasting Life,

Beyond the gates of Heaven and Hell," she saith,

"Whereon but to believe is horror!

Whereon to meditate engendereth

Even in deathless spirits such as I

A tumult in the breath,

A chilling of the inexhaustible blood

Even in my veins that never will be dry,

And in the austere, divine monotony

That is my being, the madness of an unaccustomed mood.

This is her province whom you lack and seek;

And seek her not elsewhere.

Hell is a thoroughfare

For pilgrims,—Herakles,

And he that loved Euridice too well,

Have walked therein; and many more than these;

And witnessed the desire and the despair

Of souls that passed reluctantly and sicken for the air;

You, too, have entered Hell,

And issued thence; but thence whereof I speak

None has returned;—for thither fury brings

Only the driven ghosts of them that flee before all things.

Oblivion is the name of this abode: and she is there."

Oh, radiant Song! Oh, gracious Memory!

Be long upon this height

I shall not climb again!

I know the way you mean,—the little night,

And the long empty day,—never to see

Again the angry light,

Or hear the hungry noises cry my brain!

Ah, but she,

Your other sister and my other soul,

She shall again be mine;

And I shall drink her from a silver bowl,

A chilly thin green wine,

Not bitter to the taste,

Not sweet,

Not of your press, oh, restless, clamorous nine,—

To foam beneath the frantic hoofs of mirth—

But savoring faintly of the acid earth,

And trod by pensive feet

From perfect clusters ripened without haste

Out of the urgent heat

In some clear glimmering vaulted twilight under the odorous vine.

Lift up your lyres! Sing on!

But as for me, I seek your sister whither she is gone.

Weird Questions for Writers (because writers are weird)

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

16. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever used as a bookmark?

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you’ve always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

23. Describe the physical environment in which you write. Be as detailed as possible. Tell me what’s around you as you work. Paint me a picture.

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry?

30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?

31. Write a short love letter to your readers.

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

33. Do you practice any other art besides writing? Does that art ever tie into your writing, or is it entirely separate?

34. Thoughts on the Oxford comma, Go:

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice…what do you Know?

37. If you were to be remembered only by the words you’ve put on the page, what would future historians think of you?

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

39. What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up?

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

[liaromancewriter]

I know it may sound like I'm being paranoid, but I hope that Open Heart fans will follow into the steps of the It Lives fans and create their own Open Heart project on another platform. To me Snowed in and the other Shared Worlds stories were a proof that it could be done right by players who care about the cast.

I feel like Pixelberry is dying a slow and painful death. The app has been crashing. There are bugs and errors in almost every single chapter. The book passes were gone last time I checked. There have been layoffs. Storyloom, the whitewashed Chinese market app and the Choices store are down. Some of PB's writers seem to have deleted their socials. Every good story is permanently VIP-locked. The app is currently running but nostalgia for their old series and shameless smut. Am I the only one dreading the moment when we're no longer going to be able to replay Open Heart whenever life's kicking our butt? I have been dealing with depression for years. I'm embarrassed to admit, but OH is my comfort piece of media if that makes any sense.

I have seen this happen with Lovestruck and Storyscape. I feel like any day now the trilogy will be gone forever. It may be selfish, but I don't want the death of the app to be the end of the road. As much as I enjoy the fanfiction, it's projects like It Lives Within that can really unite the Open Heart fandom and breathe a new life into it. I got to interact with people who have never played Choices, but are familiar with ILW.

Maybe something like Open Heart: Through the Seasons anthology could work. A story in which each chapter is a self-contained storyline will make it possible to follow the cast's journey as they solve complicated medical cases and celebrate holidays or personal milestones together. Creating an overarching storyline is taxing, but a more episodic structure seems more manageable. Allowing the players to interact with 2/3 characters of their choice every chapter could give each character a moment to grow as a person in the same way that TRR did. It could also give a new home to any storyloom OH stories that could plausibly exist in the same universe.

I'm embarrassed to admit, but OH is my comfort piece of media if that makes any sense.

There is no shame in this! I do the same. I restarted the series recently and have been slowly reading each chapter because I want to prolong that feeling OH gives me (especially when I'm feeling down). I don't even like medical dramas for the most part, but I love this book.

A few years ago, there was a group that wanted to create an OH project like It Lives. I believe they spoke to that team to understand the requirements and legalities of creating a fan-made project. I joined the Discord server back then but nothing ever happened, and then those creators left the fandom. I'd love to see this happen too, but I don't know if there are many people left who'd want to put that much time and effort into it.

My original idea for Snowed In was very similar to what you proposed above. I was going to create multiple chapters, one with each LI. But creating one chapter took me forever, especially with multiple routes/branches. So, I can only imagine the workload of creating a full series or anthology.

I completely understand what you mean about fanfic. At the end of the day, fanfics are very specific to each creator's vision of the book, their MC and the relationships they believe in as opposed to the original canon which is a self-insert type of environment. While we still have a plot, a roadmap for the character relationships, LIs, etc., we feel in control of the story.

By the way, have you screen-recorded your playthroughs? I did mine last year. One for each chapter and specific scenes on their own if my choices are different from my main playthrough. It's not the same, but it's a great way to dive into your story whenever you want, and without worrying about keys.

[akuma-tenshi]

vent below

the important part you need to know is that i'm probably going to take a break from tumblr (and social media in general) for a while

i'm literally so fucking tired. i've hardly been sleeping and when i have it's been restless. i sleep with the lights on because i can literally feel eyes on me when they're off, and i hide under the covers because if i have any part of my body exposed i have this overwhelming fear that something is watching me, stalking me, waiting to grab me. the fucking mouse makes so much noise in my room, dicking around in anything on the ground, and it keeps me awake. when i do drift off it's only a matter of time until i wake up again due to a nightmare or more noise. my blinds fell off my window and there's just a gaping void beyond, and every time i look out i feel like there's going to be something staring back.

i haven't had contact with my best friend since yesterday. they've completely cut me off after saying we don't have to be friends anymore and i'm fucking terrified for them. all of my messages have gone through, so they haven't blocked me, but they haven't been online and haven't responded to anything. they haven't been active on twitter either. i'm so fucking scared that i might've lost one of the most important people in my life and i couldn't do anything to help. we live in different states and i don't know their address and i can't drive so it's not like i can just go to their house and check on them. i'm living in this constant limbo, not knowing if they're alive or not, not knowing if they need space or need me to reach out, not knowing if i did something wrong or if it's just their mental illness fucking with them again.

and i'm expected to just be fine?? the world's on fire people are being killed for the mere crime of existing in the wrong place my life is falling to pieces and i'm just expected to live my life like nothing is happening?? i have a ged test on the fourteenth and honestly if things don't get better i might have to cancel. i'm so fucking tired but i can't sleep, i'm hungry but eating makes me feel sick. i want to just vanish off the face of the earth.

there were so many things i had planned. we had planned. i wanted to publish my books. they had a whole list of art ideas they wanted to do. we had so many stories to write, and every time i go to work on one of them it feels wrong, because they're not here to work on it with me. so many stories just dropped, so many plotlines abandoned because it doesn't feel right to do something with them. we were going to read each other's favourite books. i can't even look at or write anything about like half my major oc's because they've been so heavily tied to my friend. caden's the worst one because of how closely i associate him with them. their last post on twitter included a sketch of him.

they said they had to live to february 7th so that they could get luca's once skin. and now i don't even know if they'll ever do that. i can only hope and pray that they're just taking a break for their mental health. i'm hanging on by a fucking thread here and honestly depending on the news i get i might not see 2025. the lack of sleep is feeding my anxiety and my anxiety is feeding the lack of sleep. i'm so fucking paranoid and filled with dread. i feel so disgusting and useless and pathetic and i can only hope this too will pass, but at this point i don't know if it will.

[sootonthecarpet]

hate how just looking at things online is like an inherently loaded economic and political choice now. do I want to familiarize myself with what the bigots that endanger my country are saying by checking out primary sources? I'm giving them 'clicks', boosting their ratings and potentially encouraging an algorithm to share their content more widely.

if I go to watch them speak on youtube they may make money directly off of this. if I download an ad blocker to get around this, I am taking away money from small time marginalized creators if I watch any of their videos without disabling it. if I want to read a news article that implies people like me are less than human, I have to accept that I am giving them the positive feedback of my engagement JUST by clicking on the link. depending how I am serviced this link (such as through an automated rec feed that came bundled with a default web browser) I run the risk of reinforcing to my personal device that I would like to be served more links from news sites that run stories implying people like me are less than human, rather than that every few months I will grudgingly observe bigotry with the intention of better guarding myself against it in the future.

every decision I make to look at or avoid something on most major websites, especially news, video platforms, and any social media site but tumblr, has to take into account not just "do I want to have seen this" but "do I want to concretely make this thing more popular and/or leave a trail of stored information registering me as somebody who wants to observe this thing?" I'm not on tiktok (I don't even log in to youtube) but the way the algorithm there works, prioritizing content you spend the most time looking at (or perhaps unable to look away from?) rather than content you mark yourself as 'liking', is something right out of one of my paranoid delusions.

the push for a more profitable internet is one of the driving forces behind our online panopticon and I've seen very little discussion about how this like. automatically makes the very basic act of trying to get context on the way bigots who want you dead are drumming up support into an action of direct support for bigots. yes, I know there are adblocks and archived page versions and all kinds of clever little workarounds. but when did we need a workaround to be able to see with our eyes without funding nazis? I could, let's say, walk into a library and pull a copy of mein kampf off the shelf and skim through it where I stood without having at any point provided money, validation, or a 'boost' in publicity to nazis active in my country, and potentially without anyone else becoming aware that I am reading a copy of mein kampf. if I wanna read a fox article because I know they're a wildly popular news network that has been on the cutting edge of american bigotry my whole life? I have validated fox news's siterunners with my pageview, left an enormous digital paper trail, potentially encouraged my device to show me more fox news articles, and potentially provided fox news with ad revenue they can use to more efficiently spread their dangerous lies and half-truths.

faced with meaningful and legitimate calls to de-platform hateful voices on an immediate interpersonal level, and sentiments like 'here are screenshots/wayback links, please don't give them the clicks' as the only pushback against this constant tracking and leveraging of our viewership (to say nothing of how often content creators rely on widespread outrage and hatewatching to gain engagement that their fans alone could never provide, and the subsequent pleas to avoid watching any bigoted content whatsoever lest you fall prey to their outrage marketing), the logical choice in the absence of someone else offering an easy workaround begins to look like self imposed ignorance and isolation; unless we have a great degree of computer literacy, or hacker friends with the same who can handhold us through our entire online presence, we are forced to either resort to knowingly funding bigots (and potentially marking ourselves as one), or to refusing to arm ourselves with knowledge altogether. YEAUGHHH 💢

[noweyesee]

Let’s talk about •••

••• Spirit Work

Pt.1/2

• Spirit Work 101

Spirit Work is a term that was coined very recently, mostly having an upsurge with the new age witchcraft in social medias - that is not to say that the practice of communicating with spirits is new, rather, that such a term can be used in an overgeneralized manner. That in turn leads to misinformation about the topic.

•• So, what is Spirit Work?

Broadly, it is seen as a witchcraft practice where a person uses their abilities to communicate with spirits - people who have passed, guides, ancestors and such. What the term doesn’t clarify is that there are a multitude of ways in doing that, from religious practices to self developed methods as well as the target audience of that spirit work.

Taking a look at the word spirit we find the first divergence of intent: those stated before all fall in the category of deceased human spirits; then we have those who through their animistic or similar beliefs include the spirits of animals and all beings (and “things”) who once lived. Then, we have another category, those that communicate with the otherworldly and nature centred beings that have passed (though most commonly those are still alive), such as the Fae. Others include communication with deities in this practice, and lastly, we have another modality of those that work with the essence of spirits, be they dead or alive - they are included for they too have soul. • This is the first break, and as such themes and different styles of practitioners can already be found, most commonly used are Mediums, Healers, Channelers, Communicators.

Outside of that, we have believers and followers of certain religions that also have this designated space for that type of communication, though I won’t go into detail for this, Norse Paganism, Spiritism and African Traditional and Descending Religions, are some of them.

••• So, no, it is not a bad thing that this practice has been disseminated and made accessible to all practitioners, witches, pagans and heathens out there - but one must always take a step back and analyze the information they have as well as the intent they will follow in this path.

Spirit Work is no game, it can have serious consequences and that should not discourage you to try - rather, encourage you to be attentive and take it seriously.

• What not to do

This here, at least for me (but feel free to add on or disagree, the beauty of the community are the different methods after all) - are some of the absolute don’ts when practicing Spirit Work, divided in two topics as there is a theoretical and a practical side to it.

• Theoretical

Don’t immediately go following any instructions, no matter if they explicitly are for summoning, inviting or channeling or just imply that it’ll make your communication with spirits easier.

Because: You need to be 100% aware of what exactly you are doing, though there are some good sources, it is always good to double and even triple check ingredients, intents and procedures before starting anything.

Don’t begin anything if you don’t have contingency plans and a way to clear a possible mess up.

Because: When doing this type of work, you are the only thing you have control of - spirits can be volatile, especially if you’re starting communication with ones you never had contact with before. Plan ahead and certify yourself that even if something goes out of what was expected you'll be able to deal with it.

• Practical

Don’t call forth anything that you have no idea what and who exactly it is.

Because: There are opportunistic spirits that excel in impersonating. If your intentions are unclear when channeling or inviting someone or something they can and will take the chance. Be clear about who you are working with.

Don’t be rude or insistent towards spirits.

Because: Spirits deserve respect, and as such, you won’t want to anger an immaterial being just because of impatience. Treat them as you would like to be treated. Being firm doesn’t mean being rude.

Don’t keep your sensitivity channel open, if you can.

Because: The Spirit World is everywhere, and it exists alongside our material World. When working with spirits you’ll see that there are moments you need to distance yourself otherwise the input will be constant. Learn how to control and lock your sensitivity as it is being developed to minimize bothersome encounters or overload of inputs.

Don’t do your Spirit Work in any place - reserve a specific place for it.

Because: Not only is this a sign of respect towards the spirits you’ll be communicating with, but it also makes it easier for you to control, cleanse and protect that environment.

•• How to

Preparation and Protection

After that many Dont´s, we finally go towards the Do´s. Let me get this right, I by nature am extremely paranoid, and due to that I find preparation and protection essential to control variables, be confident and to keep calm - like this, I don’t fear the unknown nor the uncontrollable because one way or another I'm ready for it.

Now, once again, these preparatory and protective steps will depend a lot on what method of Spirit Work you’re practicing, but some of them are pretty universal and these are the one’s I’ll be passing on to you.

• To Prepare

A spirit worker's body and spirit must always be clear, attentive and sensible. To prepare you must do whatever rituals pertain to your practice, that prepare you emotionally, psychologically and spiritually to deal and work with spirits.

This might include meditation, trance work, cleansing rituals and so on - this takes off the layer of mundane impressions that could marr your interpretation and leave you like a clean slate through which the Spirit’s voice can be clearly understood.

Your working space should also be clean on any influencing energies, organized and quiet enough (or loud enough depending on your vertent) for you to focus solely on the presence you’ll be working with.

I particularly find that asking for permission and guidance from my guides always makes this preparation process easier, as that is their realm and their ponctuations, advice and warnings are always welcome.

• Being Protected

There are three points of protection: Your Body (which is the conductor of your energy), Your Mind (which contains your Spirit - though not all beliefs follow this) and Your House (or de place you do your Spirit work).

These three should be duly protected and warded as you see fit before you start your spirit work. Methods for those vary as they can be easily found around the internet, in books and such. I wouldn’t be able to tell you which method of protection and warding you’ll prefer, which you’ll absolutely trust to work and which will be ideal to your specific target audience with spirit work but, one advice: Never share all ingredients nor steps of your protection and warding spells.

You may realize that I rarely, if ever, post spells. The answer is simple: any spell can be counteracted, especially if people know everything you used.

And trust me when I say that these protection and warding spells of your for Spirit Working are ones you wouldn’t like to be tampered with.

•••• 👁 ••••

For now that’s it, this post was very broad as I talked about general warnings and things of importance that precede the practice of Spirit Working. It’ll be a short series of posts, with only two.

The second one will be more action centered, most likely bigger with explanations of what to do in each case of spirit working. Till then, yeah?

-Lou

[scifimagpie]

I Wrote About The Future; Then It Happened

So, you might have noticed a bit of a lack of blog posts over the winter. Well, this time it's not (just) depression eating me alive. I made a thing - two things, actually.

Consider this a soft reboot, and a perfectly good starting point in the series. Book 3, The Meaning Wars, follows two characters: Sarah, the weary Behavioural Criminal arrested for associating with dissidents, and Crystal, a wormhole engineer dissatisfied with her marriage and the safe, boring jobs she's been taking. Linked by friendship and their Martian origins, the two women fight ongoing trauma to reclaim their senses of self.

Book 4, Poe's Outlaws, finds Crystal and Sarah pursuing intersecting paths. Sarah has become a smuggler, wrapped up in a rescue mission to save a revolutionary leader (who happens to be her inspiration and her crush). Crystal is taking a much-needed vacation, but an old flame, the one who got away, is about to throw her life right back into chaos. The only way out? Friendship, teamwork, and possibly, a revolution. It's a beach episode featuring queer love, aliens, and derring-do.

I'm working on book 5, A Jade's Trick. I'm past the halfway point, but for a few months, I got completely stuck. Part of it was debating on the tone for the ending. War threatens, and I had no idea how to resolve the conflict. Should I choose something idealistic, where the corrective safeguards of the system work, or something drastic and grim, a more realistic vision of power dynamics? I couldn't choose, and it felt like a very abstract question.

Then war came to Ukraine, and I got a tiny taste of what it might be like to stand in Crystal's boots.

Apocalypse Turducken

Being in the late? portion of a pandemic, as very hurried politicians insist we are, and having that pandemic overlap with the disruptive attack on the American election (followed recently by a halfassed attempt to do the same here in Canada, with the farcical embarrassment of the trucker protests) [links], I wasn't exactly expecting more calamities. But the universe isn't really into following scripts or plot arcs or anything sensible like that - no, those are human constructs meant to carve chaos into coherence. I wasn't counting on a paranoid, ruthless dictator deciding that the lull after the second pandemic Olympics was the perfect time for his colonial power-grab.

And I really wasn't prepared for the war to affect me personally. In addition to the fact that my male partner is Ukrainian, a very dear friend is a Kievan native. She has been displaced by the conflict, and she and her mother are scrabbling to make ends meet in a different city. Hopefully, this displacement won't be permanent.

We've set up a fundraiser to help her and her mom while these events are going on. This is a fundraiser to help her and her mom not only get a tablet for her to work on as a graphic designer (her laptop is in Kyiv...), but also to help them get by for the next while. Her mother's job at the library is kind of out of commission right now, and it's possible that they'll have to emigrate elsewhere for safety.

Before this whole war thing got started, I also knitted her a sweater inspired by Yoongi of BTS's famous - and expensive - designer yellow sweater. Proceeds from the sale of the pattern will also be going directly to Katya, to help with resettlement costs. There is a chance that we're going to have to help her migrate to Canada, so anything you can give will be greatly valued.

Thank you all for reading my work and checking out these fundraisers. If you can't give, please share this article on social media.

***

Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partners-in-crime and their cats. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people’s manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible.

Find her all over the internet: * OG Blog * Mailing list * Magpie Editing * Amazon * Medium * Twitter * Instagram * Facebook * Tumblr * Paypal.me * Ko-fi

[ming-yu-hao]

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder | Chapter 1

Pairing: fratboy!mingyu x female reader

Word Count: 3.1k

Synopsis: When you transferred to a different university, you and Wonwoo promised that you would make long distance work. But distance proves to be more difficult than you both originally thought.

This Chapter’s Tags: some angst ig, light cheating? (not really lol), mingyu is just flirty, female masturbation, mentions of alcohol and weed

Warning: THIS SERIES IS ABOUT CHEATING. DO NOT READ IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!

A/N: it’s gonna get spicy soon just trust me ;)

Chapters: Next | Masterlist

30 minutes. That's how long you had spent anxiously perched in front of your computer, waiting for the familiar ring of the video call to echo through the speakers. You cycled between scrolling through social media, checking your reflection in the camera, and debating on whether or not to text Wonwoo. You understood that he was busy; it wasn't unusual for either of you to call a few minutes later than you had originally planned. But Wonwoo had never left you hanging for this long without an explanation. Normally, your mind would begin to fixate on the worst case scenario, but Wonwoo had already cancelled on you the past two weeks because he was busy working.

The loud vibration of your phone against your desk drew you out of your thoughts, and you hurriedly picked it up and saw Wonwoo's name glowing across the screen. "Hello?" You answered quickly.

"Hey," Wonwoo's deep voice sounded through the phone. "You're gonna hate me," He chuckled.

"I could never," You replied. You already knew the next words that were going to come out of his mouth.

"I can't FaceTime tonight." He explained. Even though you saw it coming, you couldn't help the feeling of disappointment that weighed heavy on your chest.

Your eyes met with the reflection displayed on the laptop screen. It taunted you, reminding you that Wonwoo's face wouldn't be there to replace it once again. "Well, I would be a lot happier right now if you told me that half an hour ago," You laughed bitterly. Running a hand through your hair, you quietly sighed.

"I know. I'm sorry." Wonwoo apologized. His voice was laced with genuine sorrow; you could clearly picture the frown that lined his lips right now. He added after a moment of silence, "I don't wanna keep doing this to you, so I think we should change our date day. I've been working more Fridays lately."

You nodded despite him not being able to see you and hummed in agreement. "What day then?" You asked.

"I'm not sure yet. I still have to figure out my schedule. Just text me what works for you and I'll let you know soon, okay?" He sighed.

"Oh, okay... yeah." Your lips drew into a tighter line with each word he spoke.

"Okay, I have to get to get back to work right now. I'm sorry again." He continued quickly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

The three tones signaled the end of the call, and slowly you pulled the phone away from your ear. Your tired reflection stared back at you. Finally, you shut the computer for the third Friday in a row.

The remainder of the weekend passed and you had barely heard anything from Wonwoo except for the usual good morning and goodnight texts. By the time Wednesday came around, the both of you finally agreed that Saturday could be your new set day for FaceTime dates. You powered through the rest of the week, and on Saturday you excitedly set aside all the work from your classes and waited patiently for Wonwoo to call.

You really missed him. It'd been just over two months now since you last saw him in person, when you moved into your dorm at a university three hours away from the one where you and Wonwoo met. He stayed behind while you transferred to a college with a renowned journalism program. At first, you were hesitant to leave him, but Wonwoo refused to let you give up such a great opportunity just to stay close to him. That was what you loved about him: he wanted to see you be happy and successful.

Situating yourself comfortably on the bed, you pulled up some random Netflix series to entertain yourself while waiting for Wonwoo. You only half paid attention, glancing between the computer screen and your Instagram feed on your phone. Time crawled, and slowly you sunk deeper into the softness of the mattress below.

Cold, small hands shook you awake. You rubbed your eyes and sat up, disoriented. The series you were watching was still playing quietly. Your roommate, Jisoo, stood next to your bed with her arms crossed over her chest. She stared at you with a raised eyebrow. "You're passed out by 7 on a Saturday night?" A teasing smile was displayed across her face as she shut your laptop.

You suddenly realized that it was an hour past the time that Wonwoo had promised to FaceTime you. Your heart sunk in your chest as you thought about how you probably missed his call without an explanation. You picked up your phone, but quickly noticed the notification for a missed phone call from him, followed by a text that said: I'm so sorry, something came up I promise I'll call you tomorrow.

Jisoo surveyed you for a moment; a more serious expression began to cross her features. She sat down at the bottom of your bed. "Did something happen?"

You rolled your eyes and looked down at your hands. "Wonwoo cancelled on me again," You sighed, "But I shouldn't be mad at him for it. It's not his fault he's busy."

Jisoo tsked and patted your leg through the sheets. "Of course you can be upset! How many times has it been now?"

"This entire month. And he always cancels super late."

She scoffed, "See! That's shitty. If this was the first time it wouldn't have been a big deal. But four times?" She stood up quickly and opened up her wardrobe. "If he wants long distance to work, he needs to have better communication."

"Yeah, I guess." You replied. Jisoo held a black top up to her figure, observing herself in the mirror. "Where are you going?" You inquired.

"A party at the SVT frat. You know any of them?" She explained while changing her outfit.

You had heard of the frat before, but you racked your brain for any of their names and couldn't remember one. "I don't think so."

Jisoo faced you again and smiled. "Well, let's go."

You chuckled, "No way."

She pouted. "Come on. You haven't gone out with me I'm so long. You're in college!" Jisoo begged. "Just this once. You'll have fun."

Jisoo had a point. You really had nothing else better to do besides sit around and mope over Wonwoo ditching you. You let out an exhasperated sigh of defeat, "Fine, I'll go."

"Yes! Go get all cute and dressed up." She cheered.

You emerged from your bed and strolled over to your own closet. "Alright, I'll be quick."

You and Jisoo walked into the party hand in hand. Immediately, the stench of weed and sweat overwhelmed you. Loud music vibrated through the walls of the house and clashed with the sounds of people cheering and yelling. An intense game of beer pong captured the attention of most people in the main room, but you could see a separate crowd gathered in the kitchen too.

"Who do you know here again?" You shouted over the music at Jisoo, not seeing a single person you recognized so far.

She leaned closer to you so you could hear. "Choi Seungcheol. I have a chemistry class with him." She scanned the room and suddenly perked up. "Oh, there he is!" She called his name and pulled you along with her towards him.

He stood against the wall with a red cup in his hand, talking with another tall boy. At the call of his name, he looked over at the two of you and smiled brightly. "Jisoo! I'm so happy you made it." He exclaimed while wrapping his arm around her lower back. Seungcheol watched you with kind eyes as you approached him. "And who is this?" He asked Jisoo.

"This is my roommate, Y/N. Y/N, this is Seungcheol." She introduced you both and you smiled and gave a small wave to the two boys.

The other boy flashed you a sweet smile that caused his eyes to form into crescents. "I'm Seokmin. I live here with Cheol." He explained.

All four of you continued to converse casually until Seungcheol pointed to you and Seokmin and said, "Hey, why don't you two go get some drinks? We'll wait here." You swore you saw a gleam of mischief in his eyes, and you quickly glanced at Jisoo to see if she noticed it too, but her expression remained neutral. This was exactly why you strayed away from parties. You wanted to avoid any encounters with flirty, drunk frat boys. But Jisoo, who was basically a mind reader, didn't react, so maybe you were just being overly paranoid.

You nodded and walked over to the kitchen, Seokmin following close behind, and watched as he began to mix some drinks together for the four of you. He let out a frustrated sigh as one of the bottles of liquor reached its end. Seokmin peeked over his shoulder and shouted, "Mingyu! Can you get me the other bottle of vodka?" You perked up at the familiar-sounding name, but couldn't remember where you had heard it before.

A moment later a presence approached you and Seokmin from behind and set the bottle down on the counter. "Now you have to make me one too," The deep voice joked. You turned around and immediately recognized the tall figure.

"Mingyu?" You called out in surprise.

His eyes dragged over and met yours. His face lit up instantly as he recognized you. "Y/N! What are you doing here?" Mingyu laughed.

Seokmin turned around and handed a cup to Mingyu with a raised eyebrow. "You guys know each other?" He questioned.

You grabbed your own cup and took a sip of the bittersweet mixture. "Yeah, we have a digital media class together." You said before smirking at Mingyu. "I didn't think you were the frat boy type."

Mingyu rested his right hand on the counter beside you, almost trapping you in between the wood and his body. "I guess I'm just full of surprises," He replied.

You felt your heart flutter in your chest at his flirty response. This was a whole new side of him that you had never seen before in class. Granted, he was most likely tipsy and maybe even a bit high, but in class he was usually polite and reserved. He cracked jokes with you sometimes, but you never expected him to be so bold. On top of that, he always had his hair styled back neatly. Now, his dark hair fell over his forehead in messy curls. His skin was sheathed in a light layer of sweat, and the muscles in his arms and chest were suddenly more prominent under his white tee in the dim light of the house. You had to admit, he was ridiculously attractive.

"I'm gonna go give this to Cheol and Jisoo," Seokmin interrupted before leaving the kitchen with both cups in his hands.

Silently, you started behind him and Mingyu walked with you. "So what are you doing here?" He asked again as the two of you rounded the corner and entered the living room.

"My roommate was invited and made me go with her," You told him. You continued to sip your drink, basking in the warm feeling that the alcohol left in your chest.

"Makes sense. I didn't expect you to be a party girl." He teased. His arm slowly snaked around your waist and squeezed your hip lightly. Your skin tingled beneath his touch but you didn't give him any physical reaction, opting to just ignore the grip he had on you.

Your jaw dropped in a fake gasp. "You think I'm boring or something?" You narrowed your eyes at him and he chuckled.

"I never said that," He responded with a smirk on his lips.

Seungcheol and Jisoo had migrated from the spot where they previously stood, so you scanned the crowded room for the long haired girl. Finally you noticed her sitting close to Seungcheol on the couch. You could see they were laughing about something and considering Seokmin wasn't hovering near them anymore either, you decided to leave them be.

Mingyu noticed where you were looking and raised his eyebrows at you when you turned back to look at him. "Well, I guess my roommate is busy," You rolled your eyes.

You had forgotten about Mingyu's hand on your waist until he squeezed it again. "Good thing you have me then," He bantered. Your skin flushed; you slightly leaned into his touch. It had been so long since you felt someone else's hands roam across your body. You missed the feeling.

Mingyu slowly pulled your body closer to his until your chest was centimeters away. You gulped and dragged your eyes up to meet his. He stared at you intensely, his other hand coming up to caress your cheek. Your breathing hitched as he ran his thumb over your bottom lip. "You're so pretty," He muttered. It felt like fire had lit up your entire body. Your nerves tingled and your brain felt fuzzy and you hated to admit it but you could feel arousal growing between your legs. Somehow Mingyu pulled you even closer than before and you felt his hard cock brush against your thigh through his jeans. His tongue darted out against his lips and he inched his face towards yours. "Can I kiss you?" He whispered just inches away from you lips.

Guilt imprisoned you as soon as he said those words. They reminded you of where you were, and what you were planning on doing. You closed your eyes and pulled yourself out of his grasp. "I have a boyfriend," You admitted briskly.

Mingyu stared at you in confusion. "What?"

Shame overtook you. Wonwoo had trusted you to remain loyal, and here you were at a frat party, leading on some poor boy from your class.

Mingyu lightly grabbed your wrist. "Hey, I'm sorry. I should've asked-" He started, but you quickly cut him off.

"No, I'm sorry. This is my fault." You apologized and pulled your wrist out of his grasp. You looked at him; he stared at you with a sorrowful gaze. The regret on your face was evident and he knew that he had helped in bringing this guilt upon you.

"I- I have to go do something," You added before turning around and darting towards the door. You didn't bother to turn around or look for Jisoo, you just needed to get out of there as fast as possible. Once you were outside, you inhaled a sharp breath and pulled out your phone to call for an Uber. You waited near the street, sending a text to Jisoo to let her know that you felt sick and went home while you waited.

Eventually the Uber pulled up and you hurriedly sat down and told the driver where to go. You breathed a sigh of relief as they finally pulled away from the frat.

The drive was short, but you spent every one of those few minutes replaying the night's events in your mind. Your flesh still tingled in the places where Mingyu had touched you. Guilt haunted you, but you attempted to lessen that burden by reasoning with yourself. You missed Wonwoo. A lot. You missed hearing his voice and seeing his face and of course feeling his touch against your skin. You hadn't been fucked in over two months now, so it was no wonder that any bit of physical affection would have such a strong effect on you. What mattered is that you stopped it before anything happened. You could live with that, you decided. All you had to do now was just clear up things with Mingyu next week, deal with any awkwardness between you two, and focus on Wonwoo.

When you arrived at your dorm, you quickly changed your clothes, cleansing yourself of the faint smell of weed and the remnants of Mingyu's touch. Not long after, exhaustion began to take over your body. You laid down on the bed, not even bothering to check your phone before closing your eyes and letting sleep overcome you.

You weren't sure what time you fell asleep, but you awoke some time later and glanced at the clock. 11:54 PM. You stretched your arms behind your head and yawned as you scanned the room. Jisoo was still gone. You closed your eyes again and tried to fall back asleep, but your mind began to race.

You could clearly picture Mingyu's lust-filled eyes staring down at you, his hands running over your waist and pulling you towards the heat of his body. The glow of his skin, the messy curls hanging over his forehead, the fullness of his lips as he asked in his husky voice if he could kiss you—the images and sensations swirled around in your thoughts.

In a half asleep daze, you rubbed your thighs together. Friction built between your legs. You groaned quietly as your mind revisited how you felt when Mingyu's hands were on your body. More arousal began to pool in your heat, your underwear clinging to your wetness.

Languidly, you ran your hand down your stomach and toyed with the hem of your underwear before slowly pulling the fabric down your legs. You imagined Mingyu's sharp eyes staring at you from between your thighs as you ran your fingers through your slick folds. Arousal coated your fingers and you began to rub your clit in slow circles. You pretended that Mingyu's thick fingers were the ones teasing your clit, making your legs jolt each time you pressed the right spot.

You moaned quietly and began to grope your own breast. You squeezed and flicked your nipple, causing a quiet gasp to fall from your lips. You pulled your hand away from your clit and slowly pushed two fingers into your dripping heat. "Mmh, Mingyu," You groaned under your breath. You imagined his deep voice saying the dirtiest things to you as he pumped and curled his fingers into your pussy.

You gasped as you hit a particular spot that made you arch your lower back. You continued pumping your fingers at a fast pace until the knot building in your lower stomach snapped. Your eyes rolled back and you let out a sharp whine as an intense feeling of euphoria washed over your body.

Your body relaxed against the sheets as your heart rate began to slow and exhaustion overtook you once again. You sighed contently and wrapped yourself in your blankets, allowing yourself to drift off to sleep.

You promised yourself that you would never do that again.

[autumnal-thunder]

😑 🙌👽☄️🔮❤️✅ and 🎶 if it’s not too late?

😑 pet peeve when people upload midi files of piano scores being played by a computer, seriously nobody wants to listen to lifeless, robotic music. 

🙌🏻 something you can’t live without dr. pepper :// i keep running calculations on where in town i can get it for the cheapest (currently holding steady at 25 cents a can)

👽 ever seen a ufo? nope. If there is one thing i'm not a believer in, it's alien conspiracies.

☄ seen a shooting star? sadly not that I remember. I see tons of social media posts about them from around here but I guess i'm not outside enough to catch one lol.

🔮 where do you see yourself in 5 years Hopefully married with a child or two, and working towards a career that I have a passion for. Though the answer to this question has been the same for a while now lol.

❤️ 5 people you love my family members, my closest friends, and Derrick Henry. That's more than 5.

✅ something you’ve checked off your bucket list Going to a Tennessee Titans game in Nashville. I don't really have a bucket list though, but that was something I really wanted to do.

🎶 top 5 favorite songs Let Down/Airbag/Paranoid Android/Weird Fishes / Arpeggi/No Surprises/Bodysnatchers/Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead

Bliss/Space Dementia/Endlessly/Sing for Absolution/Exogenesis: Symphony (especially part 3)/Plug in Baby/Starlight/Hysteria/Map of the Problematique/Citizen Erased - Muse Feeling This/Dammit/Adam's Song/I Miss You - Blink-182

Don't Panic/Yellow/The Scientist/Green Eyes/What If/Fix You/Strawberry Swing/Viva la Vida/ - Coldplay

sorry just five songs is impossible